Just because you are receiving this letter does not mean I think it applies to you. It only means I love you, I’m sending it to everyone, and is sent as a precaution. I started this letter several weeks ago, then became lazy. However, this last week, two Christian friends I spoke to, tell me their wives are threatening to leave them. Some of the issues written here apply to them, some do not. We - Karen and I, spent a lot of years struggling through these issues. Our hearts ache for those who are still going such growth pains. And in fact, a temporary stay in the sloughs of these issues is normal. But to stay too long is very unhealthy. Finally, we are not sending this because we have arrived, we haven’t . But if we waited till we were perfect to send this, you’d never get it.

To our dear friends;

Lately many of you have been on Karen’s and my hearts. First we want you to know we really love you; we are so thankful for all the loving, wonderful people God has put in our lives.

As you might know, some marriage enrichment videos were shown at the Chapel on Sunday evenings. As I watched the ‘Enjoying Marriage’ videos, they brought back many good things that has helped to strengthen Karen’s and my relationship. Unfortunately, our memories of ‘Enjoying Marriage’ and the related people, also bring sadness; Karen and I were thinking of all the people who went to ‘Enjoying Marriage’ Seminars; then we started taking inventory of all those whose marriages have failed. When we count, it is a very sad and discouraging percentage.

We know that the failing of a relationship can be a very complicated thing. There seldom is one reason for it. However there are some fundamental things that we can do, or not do, to help or hurt our marriage. So, how did all these marriages fail? Apparently they all had the necessary components for success. They all had ‘accepted’ Christ as their savior, all had the same good teaching, probably all been baptized, read their Bibles, and were members in good standing of their local assemblies. Yet a huge percentage ended up doing something God hates (Mal 2:16).

These that failed in their vows, I wonder what they were thinking when they stood before God, their Pastor, and their congregation. Certainly, what ever they were thinking, didn’t match reality. Nor were the vows spoken reflective of the true condition of their hearts, but rather wishful thinking. But it takes more than wishing, good intentions, and verbal commitments to make a good marriage.

So, what does it take? In the simplest terms, ‘it takes doing the right things'. Yes, being affectionate, forgiving, understanding etc. But it also takes some real practical, rubber meets the road type work and maintenance. It also takes going against your natural inclinations, and this is the point of this letter. Karen and I have been noticing that among some of our friends, a real laziness about the condition of their marriage, a slothfulness in building unity, and a surrender and yielding to the way things are, because the work to correct their marriage appears too hard.

Independence: We’ve noticed that many couples are living independent lives. This really bothers Karen and I on two levels. First, from scripture; it tells us that a husband and wife shall become "one flesh". We can’t see how independent living fits into the pattern shown to us in this central and pivotal scripture. Secondly, from a personal perspective, Karen and I can’t accept this independent attitude as a legitimate expression of love. Personally, it’s hard for us to, even for a day, be apart from each other without feeling incomplete. I realize this appears very subjective; but you should know, it hasn’t always been like this for us. We have had our share of problems, but as we learned more about the meaning and purpose of marriage, we made the necessary changes to fit God’s pattern. Now we are experiencing the benefits, and joys of our decisions. As we see it, when a couple marries, every aspect of their life must be considerate of their mate. When this happens for a prolonged period of time, the couple is able to accomplish God’s plan.

Maybe you think it’s fine to take separate vacations; have separate money; separate friends. Have prolonged absences from each other. You may think it’s fine if the wife is out in the world with all the wolves, making her living (and her identity), simultaneous the husband spends a few nights a week out with the boys. But I am warning you, such foolishness is carnal and dangerous to a marriage. Unless grown out of, it may help cause the marriages end.

Disunity: A second issue, not unrelated to the first; Karen and I often see such disunity, that when the when the couple is together, they wish they weren’t. There is such dysfunction, the family actually runs better, and is happier when the father is gone! When family life degenerates into this, what follows is a feeling of total exasperation and giving up, going through the motions of life. Working together, meals, even family games lack life and vitality because these have degenerated into tolerated responsibilities. The only relief is when one spouse is separate from the other. Tell me, how can this type of marriage bring glory to Christ?

Some may say, ‘I actually do love my spouse, it’s just we sometimes need a break from each other’. This kind of excuse is non-sense, and denial. Yes it’s true, many couples who are in this condition, have a strong bond; but don’t confuse bonding with love, they are different. A flock of chickens have ‘a bond’, just wait for one to become injured, then you’ll see how much they love each other - the flock will peck the injured to death! Bonding is good, but it’s a fragile cord when it comes to holding a marriage together.

Beyond bonding, for a marriage to be what it should be, there has to be genuine, and substantial unity at work in the relationship. Anything less puts our families in danger. Without this genuine unity (which operates by love), satan can come in and wreck all kinds of havoc. (Ec4.12) If the outcome isn’t evident to the parent, soon your children will show it.

Disrespect: One of the most destructive habits that can develop in a familiar relationship is discourtesy, this usually is directed to those who are closest, and deserves courtesy the most. We become so casual with one another, we use one-another as kicking posts and scapegoats for our frustrations. Instead of developing good communication skills, our tendency is to send little messages via attitudes. This makes the marriage wearisome by creating an atmosphere of tension. The question is, how long, without consequences, can a marriage, or children be subjected to this kind of life?

Pray about these things; perhaps they do not apply, but if they do, fulfill your vows, and do something about it.

Back to Home Page